Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
