im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
