he was CRYING into my vagina
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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