I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
