I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
