I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
