Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
