I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
