My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
