It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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