The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
