My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
