i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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