So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
