I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Even my vagina gasped.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
