I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
