i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
