woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
