As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Is Oprah even human
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
