I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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