Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
