Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
