It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Never underestimate the power of titties
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
