Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
