my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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