No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
