i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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