I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
