I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
