Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
