last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
