awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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