I am puke
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I want to be your penis for a week.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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