Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
cat food counts as protein by the way
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
