some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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