a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
