sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
