But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
