I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I cannot find my penis.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
