I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
