Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
