So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
