I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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