you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
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I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
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People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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