I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
