Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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