R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
