It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
