The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
