He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
