I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
