We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Randomize
