someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
