I smell stomach acid.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
