Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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