Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
