she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
