I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
