Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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