my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
